It Ain't Natural

Here's a sample of OFF THE TOP Column published in the Citizen this week. I know it's hard to read so the hard copy is listed below.

OFF The TOP

It Ain’t Natural

By Angela I Nielson

Several years ago I had a photo assignment at the county fair which took me back to the 4-H animals. Stunned at the amount of work and fuss exhibitors make over their animals, I saw ribbons and bows on animals pent up in stalls, I thought to myself. It ain’t natural.

I agree it’s important that 4-H students take responsibility to wash and clean their animals to impress the judge. No one likes to look at a caked rump. But when I saw a French braid on a horse’s tail neatly tied with a pink bow, that is going too far. It ain’t natural.

I walked to the steers and noticed a young man fussing over his animal. “Why are you vacuuming your steer?” I inquired.

“You mean to tell me you blow dry the steer’s fur?” He nodded and continued to fluff the hair by blowing it against the grain to make it curl like a ribbon. I noticed the solid black hooves which the young man admitted he had sprayed with shoe polish. It ain’t natural for steers to run around with curly hair and painted hooves.

Out of curiosity I meandered to the pig stalls and wondered, would they be manicured and gussied up? They appeared bathed and scrubbed clean as a button. They looked natural , but to my surprise a( young man sported a white shirt and black tie. Why would anyone dress up to show off a porker? One mother commented. “My son is dressed better now than when he goes to church.” Swatting the flies away, I watched as the young owners directed their pigs to the arena. It ain’t natural for a 12 year old to wear a shirt and tie to parade a 250 pound squealer around the arena. It’s show time!

Behavior modification ain’t natural for a pig. Just try and stop a porker from rolling over in the moist black dirt while the judge is looking. Just try and strut a strong willed hog in a circle without any detours. But I have to admit the 4-H kids came prepared with a brush in one hand and cane in the other. They whisked away any traces of dirt and poked the pig to keep in line.

Then I walked to the sheep pens. If primping were natural, the ewes would wait patiently in line for their turn at the beauty stall. Instead, haltered sheep, blanketed around the middle bleated while owners trimmed and fussed over stray strands of wool.

Finally I decided to check out the poultry and birds, who were enclosed in a small building. No special decorations adorned their feathers, but some chickens spiked coiffure looked like a natural bad hair day. The pungent ammonia odor hit my nostrils and I tried to hold my breath until I reached the exit. Raised on a chicken farm, I knew that smell. Now that’s what I call natural.

I receive a phone call from a first time reader. He didn't think it was funny. He's a dairyman and I suppose his kids do 4-H.